Date:                April 20, 2096

Beta Reader:    Tiffany Chapman

Book/Author:   Ye Olde Book – A.U. Thor

 

 

Opening Scene:

• Does the story begin with an interesting hook, creating a desire to read more?

The opening paragraph certainly had a catching hook. Reading about Connor’s last battle during the Abyssal Wars and his desire to create a better world without magika and its poisonous aftereffects had me siding with him as he shattered the crystal deemed Magic’s Heart.

 

• Does the story begin in the right place, helping the audience understand what’s going on right away?

The story begins about twenty years before Sarah, Leah, and Johnny (the protagonists of the story) even meet. This is a misleading opening, as I expected to read about Connor and his rule over the land.

 

Characterization:

• Are the characters compelling, sympathetic, and/or someone the reader can root for?

I adored Johnny, and he was probably my favorite character. I was always on his side when the POV was in his head. Leah was equally cheer-worthy. Her fierce devotion to her little sister had me in tears a time or two. Sarah was hard to love, though. There wasn’t much information given about her, despite the fact that her visions were what guided the trio on their journey.

 

• Do the secondary characters enhance the story, or do they seem like they should be cut? Are there any names that are too similar?

A lot of the secondary characters enhance the story and I would have loved to read more about them. Especially Paul, who was a fun guy to be around despite his reclusive nature. His obsession with fuzzy things had me giggling pretty hard when he squealed and began cuddling Sir Paws, ignoring the poor feline’s protests.

 

The twins Jaen and Jaem were two names that were way too similar, and I was often confused as to which character was doing what.

                                                                                                                                           

• Are the relationships between the characters believable, or do they seem contrived?

The relationships are easily believable. Sarah and Leah were together despite their differences because they were sisters. Johnny joined the fray because the girls hired a bodyguard in order to get through the forest. Johnny ended up staying with them because he learned where they were actually headed, and his protective nature wouldn’t let him leave them defenseless in hostile territory.

 

Conflict and Plot:

• Are the internal and external conflicts well defined for the protagonist(s)?

The internal conflicts are not particularly shown and defined. It is implied that Leah and Johnny are both going through difficult times, but there are only a few short lines given about why they’re so upset about their situations. I would have loved to see more about their internal conflicts.

 

The external conflicts on the other hand, are quite well defined. With everything between the trio and the Abyssal Chasm trying to kill them, there was no shortage of external conflicts.

 

• Are the conflicts believable, arising out of characterization and circumstance?

The conflicts are on both sides of the fence. There are several times when the conflicts are easily believable (like Leah demanding to be let out of the safety of the cave because she’s going stir crazy), but there are a few equally unnatural conflicts (like Sir Paws being able to take down a Feral ten times his height and weight).

 

• Does the overall plot come across clearly in the novel? Is it interesting and engaging?

The overall plot comes across clearly in the second half of the novel, and it is definitely interesting. I enjoyed reading about Sarah’s visions, which hinted that several species are on the brink of extinction, including humans, because elemental magika was destroyed during the Abyssal Wars. Leah and Johnny went with Sarah to the Abyssal Chasm so they could enter the Vortex and restore the world’s magika.

 

The plot would have been even more engaging if the audience could read more about the trio and their adventure, and less about the history of the world.

 

Dialogue:

• Do the characters’ speech patterns stay consistent, distinct from one another, and fit their individual personalities?

Yes. With the exception of Jaen and Jaem (whose names were both too similar and their speech style was exactly the same), I never had trouble wondering who was talking in any given scene. Each character had a distinct style of speech that fit both their personalities and their upbringing, and this stayed consistent throughout the novel.

 

• Does the dialogue reveal the world and the characters to the audience and move the story forward in a compelling way?

The dialogue is quite compelling. Between all the giggles with Johnny’s scenes, and all the building frustration in Leah’s scenes, I got to know a little about each protagonist and their take on the world. I would have loved to see more, though.

 

Sometimes they had a habit of not discussing things that I’d have thought would drive them nuts (like Leah, with her magical connection to animals, witnessing animal torture. Or Johnny being given a baby-sitting assignment despite his many attempts to prove himself as a capable warrior).

 

• Is the dialogue natural or overly narrative and stilted?

The dialogue is definitely natural. The conversations were a joy to read, and I was always laughing at Johnny’s antics. Poor Leah was always getting her tongue tied in knots whenever he came around, with made the conversations even funnier

 

Pacing:

• Is the story set at a steady pace, without rushing or dragging?

The first half of the story is slow due to all the history lessons given. The second half seemed a bit rushed in order to fit the main characters’ stories into the relatively short space left.

 

• Do scenes or chapters end on a hook that encourage further reading?

In the second half of the novel, yes. There were a few hiccups in chapters twelve and fourteen that felt like they stopped mid-scene and used a paragraph break to show a time lapse, but otherwise, the chapters ended in a way that left me excited to read more.

 

• Is the story free of information dumps that slow the pace of the story?

The first half of the story is a history of the area and people in the region that didn’t really have anything to do with the main characters in the second half of the novel. This slowed the overall pace considerably.

 

Narrative:

• Does the writing allow immersion by showing the scene with the senses, using a succinct telling style only as appropriate?

A lot of the characters’ thoughts and emotions weren’t fully shown to the reader. During scenes that were supposed to be difficult for them (for example, Leah watching animals being tortured and killed for minor amusement), the narrative tended to use succinct telling in order to get the idea across. I would have loved to see through the characters’ eyes more often, rather than just being told how I’m supposed to be reacting.

 

• Does the quality of the writing draw the reader in, or do the flaws disturb the storytelling and break immersion?

The excessive history lessons given in the first half of the story made reading hard to get through. Once I hit that second half, though, I was easily drawn into the story. The dialogue was especially well-written.

 

• Is the tone appropriate for the story? Does it stay consistent?

The mix between light-hearted banter and somber realization of their situation was definitely appropriate for the story, and it did stay consistent.

 

Concluding Scene:

• Is the ending satisfying and believable?

The ending was a bit hard to swallow. Once the group reaches their destination within the Vortex, they are attacked by the largest Feral they have ever seen. Leah is suddenly able to mind control the beast and learns about its entire life up to this point. The book then cuts off with a dire warning about what is to come.

 

This ending felt unnatural to the story because Leah’s magika centers around lesser animals, not humanoids.

 

Additional Thoughts:

Ultimately, I would recommend focusing on the protagonists' meeting and journey to make their story even more compelling.