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I Write 4 Myself
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Sample Critique Memo

Date:                April 20, 2096

Critiquer:         Tiffany Chapman

Book/Author:  Ye Olde Book – A.U. Thor

 

 

Dear A.U. Thor,

 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read Ye Olde Book, the first in a series.

 

As you may have noticed, I’ve made several comments in the margins of your manuscript using the comments feature. Below are some additional big picture thoughts.

 

Much of the book works well, but I believe the book can be even stronger with a bit more development among the protagonists.

 

Opening Scene:

 

I’m not sure the book opens in the right setting. Since so much of the book is about Johnny, Leah, and Sarah, I think their adventures should be brought to light much sooner. I loved the scene where Tim first finds Johnny and swears to raise and protect him. Could that be the first opening of the book? Instead, the book begins with description and backstory of the last battle of the Abyssal War that feels ultimately non-essential to the overall story and is not quite as intriguing as a man’s chance discovery and his vow to protect an innocent child.

 

The risk of this kind of opening is that it misleads the reader in terms of what the book’s focus is. After reading the first chapter I expected the book to focus on Connor and his rule over the land. Instead, the second chapter opened on the youngest member of a Feral pack. The book then goes on to switch expectations again shortly after. Instead of reading about a Feral that grows up to help save the world, the story switches to a human child raised in the Temple of Magika in the third chapter.

 

A similar pattern took place during Sarah’s opening. I loved the scene where young Sarah has her first vision and ends up forcing her father to stop the wagon train, as it introduces Ferals, Hunters, and Magika in an interesting and gripping way. Rather than focusing on her grandparents and their deaths at the hands of the Ferals in chapter five, where Sarah is an infant in a crib and has no active role, could her first vision in chapter eight be the start of her story, with simple references of her past mentioned?

 

Characterization:

 

Each character was compelling, sympathetic and someone I could root for (apart from the villains. I was happily berating them on the sidelines ;P). Especially Leah, who is full of humor and spunk. It was easy to get attached to this heroine very early, and my love for her only grew throughout the novel. I loved Leah’s escape tactic in chapter twelve (pg. 156) when the Hunters were chasing her through the Broken City. Climbing between the beams on the ceiling of the derelict house was a brilliant move (nobody looks up!) that showed not only her physical agility and strength but highlighted her ability to think outside the box. Leah was practically a ninja as she distracted opponents, performed stunts, and took out bad guys with the help of her trusty cat Familiar, Sir Paws. Her talent for getting into trouble, her allergies to her own Familiar, and her clumsiness whenever Johnny came around helped balance her out nicely.

 

Johnny was another character that was easy to love. He was something of a klutz in shining armor. The poor man was constantly charging to the rescue, only to end up getting captured. Every time. I was laughing out loud at each capture. His misuse of idioms and similes was also quite amusing.

 

As the story progresses, I feel the reader should get a clearer sense of the protagonists’ likes, dislikes, worries, and emotional attachments to the world around them, not just their interactions with each other. How did Leah feel when she found the Hunters killing and torturing animals for sport and letting their corpses rot where they fell (pg. 152)? Her magika centers around animals, yet no mentions were made of her emotional difficulties during this scene. One short line of narrative saying that Leah has a deep bond with animals is not very likely to convince your audience. Could an additional scene be introduced to show the audience Leah’s love and admiration for the creatures? If you’re able to grab your audience’s heartstrings, they have a much higher chance of becoming attached to your characters and their struggles.

 

What did Johnny think about being ordered to accompany two seemingly-weak women into the Vortex, one of them a twelve-year-old? He was eager to prove his worth as a warrior, yet made no comment on what was clearly advertised by his sneering commander as a babysitting job meant to belittle his worth. Given Johnny’s sense of pride, I imagined that would have rubbed him the wrong way. Could the assignment scene (page 182-183) be extended a bit to show the audience Johnny’s thoughts and emotions?

 

Sarah is one of the major players since her visions – which lead the group toward the Abyssal Chasm and the Vortex within – guide the entire novel. Yet much of the story past her initial childhood is centered around her older sister and Johnny. Could Sarah’s story be told from her point of view a few more times throughout the novel? The audience is not given any of her thoughts, hopes, or dreams. Alternatively, could scenes be introduced with Sarah talking to either Leah or Johnny in their respective POVs to reveal more about her character? As it stands, the only thing the audience knows about Sarah by the end of the novel is . . .

 

[PAGES SKIPPED TO CONCLUSION]

 

Pg. 190: Keith appears very briefly in front of Paul. The mage demands that the priest finds information before disappearing again. This does not seem natural to the story.

 

Keith is older and far more powerful than the young priest and could easily find this information by himself (with far more success due to his invisibility and mind-controlling abilities). What does this scene add to the story? Could this scene be trimmed or cut to get back to the action faster?

 

Pg. 198-199: Johnny rushes a Feral with no weapons or armor in order to protect Sarah. After a quick scuffle, the Feral is dead, but Johnny has scratches and bites on his arm. The party enters the Vortex and continues their adventure with no mention of the injuries. 

 

A previous fight proved that he was not immune to the Ferals' venom. Without Paul's aid last time, he would have died. In this scene, Paul is nowhere near them. Could this section be revised to show the ill effects of the Feral venom? 

 

Pg. 203: Leah is suddenly able to control the mind of a tortured and insane beast, which feels quite unnatural to the story (especially given that the Feral used to be human, not animal. Leah’s Magika centers around speaking to animals). Could scenes be introduced to show her ability to mind-control?

 

General: Trying to get twenty years into one relatively short book left several details out of the story and prevented the reader from getting fully invested in each character and the world they live in.

 

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Ultimately, I would recommend picking a later timeframe and starting the book there. Focusing on the protagonists' meeting and journey (rather than the history of the area and the events from their entire lives that led up to that meeting) would make their story even more compelling.

 

Please let me know if any of this is unclear or if you have questions, comments, or concerns of any kind.

 

- Tiffany

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